This morning my mother went back to the motherland, leaving me alone- and ostensibly in charge of- my younger siblings for the next two weeks.

Which in short means I've spent my Saturday evening cleaning out the kitchen cupboards. Ten minutes in I rang my mother-
"Anne**. I've just found a packet of soya mince dating from 1999."
"Oh. Has it gone off?"
"Well, presumably. I'm not opening it to check."
"Don't throw it out, kızim***! Just put it to one side and I'll look at it when I get home."

Urgh. I threw it out- along with pretty much everything else, even the box of ready mix semalina from 1995. It does, however, make a very good threat when it comes to keeping the dear children in line. My little sister, Fiona, is being contrary- something along the lines of "you're not my fucking mother, I don't have to listen to you." But her attitude has improved somewhat, after I promised that some of the food from the back of the cupboards will end up in her meals if she doesn't listen to me.

And really, what do you do when an irate parent hauls your fourteen year old sister home, after catching her giving her son a blowjob in the park?

Well, I laughed. Apparently not the right response.

And then I rang my friends to spread the word- I feel it's my duty as a) a good sister and b) the one she's been abusing all day to make sure this story doesn't creep under the woodwork. But one and all, they were slightly shocked- "Oh my god, so what did you do?" they asked me. I'm going to do anything. Except snigger about it from time to time.

I mean, most people don't get caught, so I kind of feel sorry for her. When she's not being a little bitch in my general direction. How old were you, the first time you did anything like that?




** Pronounced ann-ay. Turkish. Means mum.
*** My daughter.