We're getting maaaarried in the morrrrrning

I rather fancy the idea of being a divorcee before I'm twenty-two, I told her.
What are you talking about now?
Oh, yes. Didn't I mention I not only got unceremoniously dumped, but also jilted? At the very altar, so to speak?
What on earth are you talking about, Dolly?
Oh. So I forgot to tell you we were going to get married?

I had it all planned. Hallo, I'd say at those awkward family gatherings and when meeting up with old friends. Did I mention I got married at the weekend? And then I set to work pursuading the groom-to-be, which took remarkably little effort.

Toby said he could think of more sensible jokes. Yes, but with the same amount of comedy potential? I asked. He went on to suggest a plastic flower that squirts water at people, or an electric shock ring.

At this stage, I rather feel I have nothing to lose. Anyone fancy getting hitched? Tickets for Las Vegas, booked and paid for by the absent original fiance. Suitably seedy registry office affair intended, and non-negotiable. Bride-to-be is twenty, a size eight, brunette and a good catch. Even if the original groom-to-be is of a somewhat different opinion.

I used to be a feminist. No point anymore now I'm engaged.