Wallowing in my gaping character flaws

I remember thinking I was a people person. These days, I have absolutely no idea why.


JOEL: I don't think you're going to be happy with anyone.
ME: So, what, your advice is…? Shack up with someone I’m not happy with and be happy?
JOEL: No, my advice is much more subtle than that, Cupcake. *steals cigarette* Stop being a twat.
ME: *meaningful pause* Well, gosh, why didn't I realise that was the reason? Thanks for being so succinct.
JOEL: I am trying to help you out, you know. You always do this, conjure up some tiny little flaw which you then use to push people away.
ME: Oh fuck me, we've progressed to people? Like, in general? I thought we were talking about boyfriendlies. *fliches cigarette* That must be why I've had trouble following your train of thought.
JOEL: *pissy look, snatches fag back and puts it out* You have a history of this.
ME: Why are you pissed off? OK, OK. *raises hands in mock surrender* Just be sure to let me know when I decide to push you away, then.
JOEL: You're just annoyed because you had the perfect person, you panicked and you blew it.
ME: What are you talking about? He finished with me. Remember that tiny little insignificant detail?
JOEL: We're not talking about him right now. You know you pushed him into it.
ME: *ignores him, lights up, tries not to throw a tantrum* I liked you much better when you were too busy trying to get your hands up my top to psychoanalyse me.
JOEL: Just admit he was the perfect guy for you, get back with him, and then I'll get back to my default position.
ME: *finally realising I'm in over my head* He is so NOT perfect.