Hilarious misunderstandings abound

About a month ago, I went out for coffee with my mother. There was a slightly awkward silent moment as we both stared out at the rain cascading off the canvas shelter at the front of the shop in a manner not unreminiscent of Niagra Falls. I waited a moment longer for her to offer me a lift to the train station, and when it didn't come I shrugged my way half into my coat, simultaneously downing the last few dregs of my cooling coffee, before giving up and standing, smoothing the coat round my knees. Goodbyes were said, physical contact was desperately avoided, and I turned to leave, hand on the door, chin tucked into collar. Rain related frown firmly in place.
"Imogen," she called, hastening towards me. "I, just, uh..." and thrust something into my coat pocket, looking more than duly embarrassed.
I, of course, assumed it was money.
"Gee, thanks Mum." Another pause and an expectant look. "I'll use it well, I promise," I said, smiling at her before rushing off to catch my train, the downpour efffectively taking my mind off it.

Cut to last Sunday. More torrential rain, the coat came out again. I was on the Circle line, slightly damp and shivering, standing with my arm looped round one of the yellow poles, when I absent mindedly put my hand in my pocket, encountering my mothers gift.

Let us establish here and now that my hands were numb and I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference between a clothes brush and a strip of velvet at this point.

I wonder how much she gave me? I thought, pulling it out and looking. Before sort of half screaming and accidentally throwing the condom away from me in the shock of recollection.

Thanks, I'll use it well I told her. Oh. Oh my good lord.